Dear Diary

Twisted thoughts like a pretzel.

I'm feeling sad and scared and almost as if I'm in mourning. Mourning of the past, of the old me, of my old life, and the many ghosts of all my ancestors as well. You see, I'm in this sort of transition phase, transformation, a caterpillar, cocoon, to a butterfly or maybe more accurately, a snake whose trying desperately to shed its skin. Losing another layer, another release, before fully completing this chapter I've been stuck in for so long. I say a butterfly, but I feel I've aged nothing short of 20 years in the span of just a year. Death, possession and sexual trauma rearing its ugly head followed by a divorce can do that to a person I suppose. Life is totally different than I thought it would be. I thought I would be happy. Actually, I'm not quite sure what I thought it would be like..but not this.

In my heart, I know it's time to let the old die, the old me to be destroyed so that something new can be created. Be reborn. Being a hopeless romantic, I compare it to a summer thunderstorm that rushes in to wash away all the dirt and debris, creating all kinds of havoc in the seas, only to be followed by the sun shining and a big, beautiful rainbow filling up the evening sky. So I continue to hold out hope. I wake up and I pray, "Maybe today will be the day I begin anew. I start fresh."

Yeah, it's time. To let it all go and to surrender fully into the unknown, but I'd be lying if I didn't say a part of me still wants to hold on, hold onto something familiar, to something I know, something that brings me comfort even if its toxic at its core, for just a little while longer. To delay the inevitable, I know, but what for? You see, I know these things. I "know" lots of things..in theory, but when it comes to actually doing them, practicing them, putting my money where my mouth is, well, that's another story. Until I decide it's not. Until I make my choice. Tomorrow? I sang that song once.

Have you ever felt like you were trying to walk around in complete darkness? Like in a cave? So afraid to take one single step so you just stand there, in complete stillness, frozen, just so you can pretend to have a little control. Just so you won't continue to trip and fall landing hard on the rocky, dirt floor? I've been there waiting in the darkness for too long. Waiting for my savior to come and save me. Fairytales. Fantasies that fill a young girl's heart. What am I, a princess, and you're my savior? My knight in shining armor come to save me from it all? The lies we tell ourselves. The lies we're force fed since the day we were born. We can only save ourselves. Where life leads us, one must learn to navigate on our own, to learn to trust and lead oneself. To live a life of caution, of safety, of boredom, that isn't living a life at all. So take a risk, take several, lose it all. Another thing I know in theory. So philosophical, I am. I can think but can I do? More importantly, can I feel? Can you feel too?

Sometimes I wonder, will I ever wake up from this dream or will it play on repeat for all of eternity? Will I learn my lessons? Will I succeed?

Round a merry-go-round I go. A living doll put on the shelf. Too old to play with her now. All you have to do is follow the rules, my darling girl. And never let go...of anything in this material world.

Programmed societal mind. Is it too late now or is that part of the program too, implanted like a movie scene?

Oh, the illusion of free will...